I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
