Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
it hurts more in the daytime
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
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The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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