I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
