I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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