i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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