Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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