my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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