Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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