Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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