I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
