put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He has the fingertips of a God
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