i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
