I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
