I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
