just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There r osticjed everywhere
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
