just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
