Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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