dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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