why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
