Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE