I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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