Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
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My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
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Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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