Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
