He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
