Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
