at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
