It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
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I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
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Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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