the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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