we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
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I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
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I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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