woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
