I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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