we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
