Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
