and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
