Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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