you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
