I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
