if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
