she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
