just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
