Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone came in the potted fern
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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