I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
