when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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