actually, I'm a sock model
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
