i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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