Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
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Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
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