I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
