if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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