you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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