I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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