If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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