Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
