I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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