Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
