After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
