I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
