i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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